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Urge Logs and "imaginary" behaviour records
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Author:  wickedrache [ Fri Feb 26, 2010 6:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Urge Logs and "imaginary" behaviour records

Kizzi wrote:
I ate breakfast mechanically, even though I just plain didn't want to do it :)

Wickedrache: I would love to see a copy of that "urge log" if you wouldn't mind? Perhaps, if you get a spare second, you could email it to me? Reacting impulsively to my uncomfortable emotions is one of my BIGGEST pitfalls :-?


Or I could do this :-)

the "Urge Management Log"

Date and Time of Urge:

Location:

Situation:

Thoughts at that time:


Feelings at that time:


What would following through on this urge accomplish?


What would i be trying to communicate with this behaviour?


Action taken:


Outcome:


Comments:


And the "Behaviour Record" questions...

Behaviour:
What caused/led up to the behaviour?
Why did you choose this behaviour?
Thoughts and emotions before behaviour:
Thoughts and emotions after behaviour:
What did you do after the behaviour?
How did your behaviour affect others?
What could you have done differently this time?
What could you do differently in the future?
Do you want to continue with this recovery program? Why?


Ok, so here's the deal with this - these are like the ultimate 'tools'. Urge logs and "imaginary" behaviour records (where you ask yourself a series of questions imagining you've carried out the behaviour and you're looking back) are just a series of questions to ask yourself when you're having an urge. It's a bit of a grounding exercise, and it's useful, and, the logs themselves can be really nasty things - or mine were. When I was first filling them out, answering questions like "Thoughts at that time", "Feelings at that time" would produce some pretty, well...emotional stuff, because I'd be filling them out in a state where I was just going nuts, having eaten, and wanting to purge. I've kept most of the ones I've filled out - they're in a binder, folded in half, tucked in the back binder pocket behind a bunch of emails from my therapist and friends. I'm like... disinclined to look at them. I've kept them because they may be informative, but I think the thing with these is that if you do them right AND you're in a very bad place, you're writing out a lot of brutal shit, even if you're also revealing some things that are useful and applicable. So I don't think we should as a rule post all their contents here. However, if people fill one out that they think is really positive, - and I think we could generalise and say they should be records filled out when an urge is getting cast the fuck down - then by all means share it in your post!
(Actually this is making me read over my current urge log, large parts of which i did post in "for my recovery today"... wow, i guess it does get easier to fight off urges with time...:))*
*and practice!

I also really recommend copying these questions and printing them out and using it that way. I think it makes a difference - I come on WBB sometimes to distract myself from urges, occasionally post about it, but going and getting a piece of paper, from a small stack of them you keep somewhere prepared, and sitting down and writing it is a really good exercise. And it feels good. There's a good-feeling integrity in going "no, i'm going to go write an urge log." I highly recommend it.

So I've copied out the questions here. Again, what i'm saying is, there are urge logs of mine -or parts of urge logs- that i wouldn't post anywhere on wbb, so use your judgement.

E.T.A. Sorry Kizzi for keeping in the bit about your conquering breakfast, but you're just so cool for doing so. :banana:

Author:  missteek [ Sat Feb 27, 2010 7:19 am ]
Post subject: 

This is priceless.

Mindfullness is a way of life, of living, not just recovering. Once this becomes second nature you'll find yourself noticing so much more. Your awearness will sky rocket and see how incredible life is!


Rache deserves a gold sticker... and a :pickle: Booyah!

Author:  wickedrache [ Sun Mar 20, 2011 3:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Urge Logs and "imaginary" behaviour records

It's possible this might be triggering, since it contains my eating-disordered/self-destructive thoughts. This is an urge log I'm writing for the present moment.


the "Urge Management Log"

Date and Time of Urge:
Sunday, 3 o'clock.

Location: My house, in my bedroom.

Situation: I have an urge to purge.

Thoughts at that time: I'm thinking hateful thoughts about my body and its shape, I'm thinking I want [it] to disappear. I'm thinking, I shouldn't have eaten chocolate; I'm thinking, I shouldn't have eaten at all. I'm thinking I should throw up just to be comforted I still have that. I'm thinking I should throw up just to make sure I'm being damaged because I haven't damaged myself in [x] amount of time. I'm thinking I want to just focus on that.


Feelings at that time: I'm sad and discouraged.. and feeling isolated. And I'm feeling hate about myself. I'm in the mood where I hate all of my words but I don't know what else to do with them... a spinning kind of hate.
I'm sad about some things I'm barely registering. And discouraged.
I'm afraid, I think, too.


What would following through on this urge accomplish?
Phhhhhhhhhh . "Nothing" is the right answer.
But, no it's not - it's also important to see what it is that I need.
It would accomplish giving me a feeling of "release". [I could get that elsewhere]. It would accomplish giving me a feeling of comfort and reassurance, and safety.
It would accomplish convincing me it's helpful and good to purge (and by extension, to restrict.)
That isn't much of an accomplishment... since that's actually deluded.

What would i be trying to communicate with this behaviour?
To myself, I'd be communicating that I am nothing without restriction and that it's very important that I make damaging myself my goal... I'd be communicating to myself that I need to be damaged and that I don't care about my own life.
To others, well, it would communicate a lack of investment in my relationships, since it would cause a remove and since choosing this shit is so divisive... I guess, really, I'd be trying to communicate "I don't need you."

I don't know if anyone would find out, but if anyone did, it would communicate "I do need you" ... weirdly.
I don't want the lesson to be maybe I do need relationships but maybe I do.

Action taken: Filling this out. And soon I'm going to have coffee with a friend.
I should do an "opposite action" - I should make sure that while we are out I eat something, to send myself the opposite message to the "empty" message. I'm going to stay present at all costs... I'm going to try to have some sense of my emotional experience. Yes, in spite of costs.
Right now ... well I know where this leads and there's costs to it, too, and I'm bored of those damaging costs.


Outcome: I'll let you know. But so far so good.


Comments: This was a good idea.


And the [imaginary] "Behaviour Record" questions... OK, Ill do these too.

Behaviour: Purging.
What caused/led up to the behaviour? Lots of emotions, less-than-mindful eating of lunch and a piece of chocolate.
Why did you choose this behaviour? it would have been because I found hate less complicated to deal with than reality.
Thoughts and emotions before behaviour: see above.
Thoughts and emotions after behaviour: Immediately afterwards, I would feel safe and triumphant, possibly. Possibly I'd go straight to "fucked" - which also feels safe. But it would make me feel dishonest and indulgent. It would make me feel very hypocritical. It would make me feel hopeless and helpless and discouraged - like I had proven that idea right, that this was the only true reality. And I'd feel afraid about that.
What did you do after the behaviour? I'd go into a warp and go have a fake interaction with my friend.
How did your behaviour affect others? I'd be less capable of being present with my friend; I might have to tell others about it; I'd be less capable and present on WBB. To say nothing of dishonest, or hypocritical, or if I was honest, that would be damaging too.
What could you have done differently this time? I should have been more mindful with eating. I know that shit's a trigger.
Do you want to continue with this recovery program? Why?

YES I DO. Because I need to give this a fair shot. I DO believe in recovery, but it has to be total and unequivocal. Yes I do want to continue with recovery. Fucking, yes I do.
Ok, this was the right decision.

Author:  Spender [ Sun Mar 20, 2011 3:50 pm ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
What would following through on this urge accomplish?
Phhhhhhhhhh . "Nothing" is the right answer.
But, no it's not - it's also important to see what it is that I need.
It would accomplish giving me a feeling of "release". [I could get that elsewhere]. It would accomplish giving me a feeling of comfort and reassurance, and safety.
It would accomplish convincing me it's helpful and good to purge (and by extension, to restrict.)
That isn't much of an accomplishment... since that's actually deluded.


I agree with what you have written here, in that there are "positive" outcomes to purging and restricting. But I wonder if you should also list the negative outcomes of giving into to the urge here, and not leave it like this? Kind of like the DBT pros and cons of everything...

Author:  wickedrache [ Sun Mar 20, 2011 9:07 pm ]
Post subject: 

^ i'm sorry it seemed like I was dwelling on the 'positives' ... i guess that is what i always did with the urge logs at homewood - "what am i trying to accomplish with this" [that i could get in another way]. whereas the negative outcomes i did try to cover elsewhere in the behaviour record & even with the last 'accomplishment', which is.. not something that is a positive to me, but very much a negative.
i agree that it's like a pro & con.. i'm not sure what else to say. i'm sorry it seemed like i was 'leaving it' incomplete.

e.t.a. outcome? i did eat with my friend, and felt honest and real. i'm glad i did the log.

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